We doubt what we are feeling because we don’t believe someone who loves us could be that mean. What our spouse says can be so subtle that we start to wonder whether the digs and jibes are really innocent, even loving or teasing and we’re somehow missing the joke. After all, they are the person who knows us best. Often it hurts so much because what they say holds a grain of embarrassing truth.
It may be our partner putting us down or constantly contradicting us in front of friends and family. Or just ‘joking’ insults about our knowledge, skills or tastes. These ‘little digs’ might be things like our partner telling ‘funny’ stories with us as the butt of the joke. This is a false belief when it comes to relationships: when we’re on the same page, if one wins we both win. This is the belief that for one partner to win, the other must lose. The impulse to undermine may have many roots – resentments, frustration, inadequacy – but often it is based on a ‘zero-sum’ belief about relationships. Affirm our partner’s strengths rather than seeking to undermine them. Observing this couple gave rise to one of my strong values: lift people up, don’t tear them down. She would make snide comments, like that he had to be brought down a peg or two otherwise his head wouldn’t fit through the door. The digs were usually about his intellect as he was very smart and switched on. Because we moved in the same circles, I often saw how she spoke to him and I was horrified at the mocking little digs she often said to him. A long time ago, well before I was married, I saw a couple who were at the same college as me.
0 kommentar(er)
